Hannibal Lecter: The Hayrake Retainer

My poor middle child is a tongue thruster with an open bite.  Whaaaa???  For those of you who are not speech therapists or dentists, here's the deal--his bite does not close all the way in the front because his tongue is constantly pushing against his teeth.  When you swallow, your tongue goes to the roof of your mouth.  Try it.  See?  When he swallows, he still pushes his tongue to his front teeth.  Ironically, he rarely took a pacifier and was not a thumb sucker, so how did he get this bum deal?  Who knows.  Could be worse.

After a year of speech therapy, we are moving to a retainer.  This is an appliance that is cemented to his bottom teeth with a ridge that "trains" his tongue to stay in his mouth behind his teeth.  That doesn't sound so bad!  I had a permanent retainer after braces when I was 12.  I still wear one at night to make sure my parents' monumental investment in my teeth still pays off today!  Imagine my horror when the dental assistant brought out this today.......

This picture totally does not do it justice.  Those are metal prongs poking up at an angle that keep his tongue under them.  Youch!  They don't call it a "hayrake" retainer for nothin' folks! 

THAT'S going in my mouth??? 

I waited for screams or cries from my seat in the waiting room, but.....nothing.  They said he was perfect.  At home, I could make his dinner 1 degree too hot and hear screams like he was being stabbed in the eye with a pencil.  But, let the dentist put a small metal appliance shaped like a garden tool in his mouth and he's fine.  No problem.  Unbelievable.

FYI, those are Chips Ahoy in the back.  I felt sorry for the kid!

It was fun at first.  I told him how cool it looked.  He looked like a robot!  Wait until your brother sees it!  That was the highlight of the whole experience for him.  He could not wait to "freak out" his brother....his words. 

Watch out big brother!  You'll get yours!

So, we waited for the school bus.  The second grader comes in the front door and middle child runs over to him smiling. 

Middle Child: "Hey, look at this!  Look at my new teeth!  I might bite you with them! Hahahahahahahaha!"

Second Grader: (slowly backing away with a look of pure terror in his eyes) Get. A. Way. From. Me......Get. A. Way. From. Me.......Get. A. Way. From. Me.

The second grader is walking away from middle child slowly, all the while very calmly telling him to get away from him.  It reminds me of hostage negotiations or something because he's being very even keel, all the while not taking his eyes off of him.  It's good to know when times are tough he can keep his wits about him.  Too bad he melts down when we're late for the bus and I don't tie his shoes tight enough.  Now THAT'S when I need him to keep it together.

Middle child is gaining ground and getting closer and closer to him, so second grader holds out his arm to stop him by palming his forehead.  Oh yeah, that works.  Before middle child decides to test his new metal grille on the second grader's arm meat, I intervene.

For the rest of the afternoon's entertainment, second grader grills middle child (haha, grills) on his new teeth. 


1) Do they hurt?
2) Can he eat with them?
3) Say "fishing pole" (followed by lots of giggling)
4) Open your mouth again

Why won't this kid leave me alone??

Middle child's answers:
1) Move outta da way!  (He's watching Sponge Bob)
2) Move outta da way!
3) Fisssshhhhing Pole (not bad for having a rake in your mouth)
4) Move outta da way!

Like I said, the novelty is wearing off.  Dinner was cut into tiny pieces and it was still a pain for him to chew.  So, what's the solution?  Ice Cream!!  The poor kid is already a stick and hardly eats.  Now with a mouth full of barbed wire, I don't imagine he's going to be scarfing down any meals.  So, we went out for ice cream.  Look how happy!  He ate the entire sundae.....which for him, even though it's ice cream, is quite an achievement.

Look closely, you can STILL see that darn retainer!